Bond, Bond, Bond: Why Your Marriage Is the Cornerstone of Everything

By Ron & Colleen (as adapted from a sermon on togetherness)

There is a law in physics called entropy. It says that everything moves from a state of order to disorder.

Relationally, nothing is different.

The natural dynamic of human relationships is for them to come undone. And the devil is at the heart of this. He is working to make sure the unity reflected in the Godhead is not replicated here. He wants to destroy everything made in the image of God.

But Jesus prayed differently. In John 17, He prayed that His disciples would be one—even as He and the Father are one.

That level of unity is absolutely phenomenal. And it's not just a nice ideal. It's a necessity when you're fighting a battle.

What's at Stake? The Next Generation.

When Moses was getting ready to leave Egypt, Pharaoh made a deal: "You can go, but leave the children behind."

Moses said, "No. We are not leaving the children behind."

The devil knows that at the end of time, there is to be an army of youth who are rightly trained. And the main trainers are mom and dad.

The best way to destroy a free society? Destroy manhood. Destroy femininity. Destroy the home.

Look at the last two generations. We've watched manhood be clobbered by modern television. We've watched the very definitions of masculinity and femininity become blurred. The devil is out to destroy homes because he wants no witness left on the face of the planet.

God, on the other hand, wants us to be unified. And the best, most effective layer of unity reflecting the Godhead is marriage.

Which Comes First?

Here is a question every couple must answer: Which comes first, the marriage or the children?

Ideally, the marriage comes first.

Before you were married, you had one goal: bond, bond, bond. You wanted to spend time with that person—carry their books, pay for meals, go for walks.

After you get married, the marriage can sometimes drop to second position. Careers, children, and church work take over.

But here is what you must remember: Before there were children, there was a marriage. And after there are children, there will hopefully still be a marriage.

The marriage itself is the cornerstone of every spiritual relational house you are building. You are never wasting money or time when you are focusing on the cornerstone of the family.

The Golden Rule of Marriage Conflict

We have been family life coordinators. We have pastored for decades. And we have learned that conflict is the price you pay for deeper unity.

Most marriages don't fall apart over one big explosion. They fall apart because of contempt.

John Gottman, the most prominent marriage researcher, says he can go into a restaurant and in 90 seconds tell if a couple will divorce. How? He looks for contempt. Once contempt enters a relationship, it is headed for death.

Contempt is an emotion of deep resentment and frustration based on unresolved problems. And the Bible understands the power of negative emotion. That's why it says, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath."

That's why it says, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."

That's why it says, "Love covers a multitude of sins."

A Method That Works: Crucial Conversations

We recommend a book called Crucial Conversations. It's a $20 purchase that might save your marriage.

Here is the method we use when we have a serious disagreement:

1. Pray first. Always start with prayer.

2. Affirm each other. We call this "anesthesia." Before you bring out the knife, you anesthetize the person. Say: "You're a great husband. You're a great wife. I love you. I'm committed to you."

3. Take turns with the floor. Each person gets two minutes to speak without interruption. The other person must summarize what they heard before it's their turn.

4. Get to the root. Don't just argue about the surface issue. What is the real emotional wound?

5. Suture with affirmation. After you've worked through the problem, add more words of affirmation and prayer.

6. Test the product. When you're done, try to hug or kiss. If your spouse pulls away, you're not done. There's still an emotional root there.

A few non-negotiable rules: No name-calling. No arguing late at night. No saying, "You're just like your mother/father." No referencing family of origin as a weapon.

The Three Pillars of Every Relationship

Every relationship—marriage, church, organization—rests on three pillars. If any of these are out of whack, unity crumbles.

1. Trust. Do you feel safe with this person? Do you know they won't talk about you behind your back?

2. Respect. Do you honor them? Do you listen well? Do you make fun of them in front of other people?

3. Affection. This is largely an outcome of the first two. When trust and respect are present, affection grows naturally.

A Warning About Family Systems

We all come from somewhere.

Colleen came from a pastor's home—stable, calm, conflict-avoidant. Ron came from a home with an agnostic father and a backslidden mother. He saw things no child should see.

When we got married, our family systems collided.

Colleen's family had a tagline: "We can all have our own opinions." Ron heard that as: "Stop arguing with me. We're never going to resolve this."

Ron's family argued loudly about everything—and thought nothing of it. Colleen heard that as: "Why are you being so mean?"

Neither was wrong. They were just different. And they had to learn to understand each other's emotional wiring.

Here is the key: You can grow past your family system.

The Bible says we are to keep growing into the full measure of the stature of Christ. As long as you have a brain and you have breath, you can grow. The moment you say, "Well, this is just how I am," that is a form of selfishness.

Raising Kids in a Digital Warzone

We want to say something about the generation coming up.

Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation (not a Christian book, but brilliantly researched) lays out the crisis:

• Sudden rise in teen mental health problems.

• The great rewiring of childhood—actual changes in brain chemistry.

• Over-protection in the real world, under-protection online.

Here is our counsel: Hold off on smartphones as long as you possibly can.

Your children do not need to call you in the middle of the school day. The school has a phone.

No smartphones before high school. No social media before 16. Phone-free schools. More independence and free play.

Australia and Spain are passing laws against social media for children. The secular world is getting out ahead of us on this. Do not care what other parents are doing. Wear it as a badge of honor that you are smart enough to know what is destructive.

The Prodigal Principle

Here is the hard truth: You can do everything right and still have a child who wanders.

The prodigal son was raised by the father who represented God Himself. And he still went off.

But he came back.

Your job is not to produce perfect children. Your job is to create a home so bonded, so unified, so full of love that there is always a place to come back to.

The Final Word

If you take nothing else from this message, take this:

• You are never wasting time when you invest in your marriage.

• Conflict is not the end. It is the price of deeper unity.

• Your kids are watching how you treat each other. They know when you're divided.

• The same principles that make a marriage work make a church work.

Jesus prayed that we would be one. The devil prays that we would be divided.

Which prayer are you answering with your life?

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"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established." — Proverbs 24:3

Test the product today. Go hug your spouse. Have the conversation you've been avoiding. And bond, bond, bond.