High Support, High Control: The Parenting Quadrant That Actually Works

By Ron & Mrs. Kelly

We’re going to start off by talking about a high support, high control environment.

In my classroom, I like to have high support. Those kids know I love them. When they come in in the morning, they know they stand at the door and do not come in until I am there and say, “Good morning, Luke.” They don’t come in until they say good morning back. They have to stop. “No, you didn’t say good morning.”

That high support is really important—your kids need to know they are the most important part of your life. Aside from Jesus and your spouse, they are the best thing since sliced bread (or veggie cheese, as my wife corrected me).

The Quadrant That Changes Everything

Conservative religions tend to be high control environments. But here’s the deal.

Imagine a plus sign:

• Top: High support

• Bottom: Low support

• Right: High control

• Left: Low control

• Low control + Low support: Almost nothing good happens there.

• High support + Low control: This is most American parenting. “Everybody feels good. You may have done a D+ job, but you’re an A+ winner.” That’s not reality. It’s phony generational flattery that doesn’t give internal rewards.

• High control + Low support: This can be where conservative religious homes end up. Low encouragement, low edification with high control yields frustration, rebellion, or rejection.

• High support + High control: This is the sweet spot. Everybody knows they are deeply loved and meaningfully integrated. And you have high expectations.

I say to my kids, “You’re a Kelly, and we don’t behave like that.”

This isn’t manipulation. It’s genuine love and support with a high caliber of performance. That produces intrinsic self-respect. Without that, people can praise you all day, but you need the inner voice of the Holy Spirit to affirm what’s true.

You Can Fail Wonderfully

If you fail wonderfully and you know you’re loved and supported because you did your best—it’s okay. You learned something.

As parents, you just want the best your child can do. If their best is a C and they truly tried, be happy for them.

And let me say this clearly: half of your kids should never appear in a college. They are not gifted for it. They are gifted to do something equally significant and valuable—a trade, skilled work, something that doesn’t need a four-year degree.

Our early pioneers weren’t formally educated, but they were highly educated. The disciples were the same. Don’t let the world make your child feel like half a person because they’re not a high academic performer.

Your Kids Are Not the Measure of Your Success

If your child could make A’s and B’s but brings home D’s and F’s, that’s nothing to be proud of. But you can ruin your child if they become the measure of your parental success.

James Dobson’s dad used to say: “Don’t take all the credit if they turn out good. Don’t take all the blame if they turn out bad.”

What you put in matters. But if you’re wearing every child decision up and down because you’re insecure, you’ll mess them up. Love them the best you can. Do the best you can. And be able to laugh at yourself.

Think about how much we must embarrass God sometimes. “Oh, those humans…” But He keeps working on us. He’s so kind. We want to do the same for our children.

Don’t Do Too Much While They’re Home

When I went back to teaching after 18 years, I thought about working on my master’s degree. A true friend asked me, “Is this the time?” I didn’t appreciate it then, but our youngest was still in formative years. So I waited. I finally graduated in my early 50s.

Formal education is the easiest path. True life education is way more important. Don’t measure yourself by the world’s false standards. Develop yourself the best you can for the glory of God.

Work: The Great Teacher

We believed in work. Our son Nathan started detasseling corn at 14—walking through fields, hands above his head, pulling tassels all day. Exhausting, unpleasant work.

Then came Kelly Brothers Lawn Care (which should have been called Mom and Dad’s Training Program). My wife pushed a mower for years. We made it a family project.

A wood flooring installer once said: “Treat them better than they deserve and give them more than they paid for.” That’s a great Christian motto. When you serve only for money, it’s drudgery. When you serve to do better than you have to, it’s service.

The Danger of Favoritism

Look at Jacob and his 12 sons. What was the big problem? Jealousy. And why? Favoritism.

Really important: all your kids need to know you love them with your whole heart. Not “this one’s mommy’s favorite, this one’s daddy’s favorite.” That’s a bad thing.

Be Poor for a While

When I stayed home for 18 years on a pastor’s salary, we weren’t well-to-do. We had church members share clothes with our boys. A mango got cut into six parts.

There’s something about hard times that makes you appreciate money differently than when it’s just handed to you. Everybody should be poor for a little while—not forever, but long enough to know what to do with what you’ve got.

The One Word That Makes Marriage Work

When I do premarital counseling, I ask: “What will make this marriage work?” Everyone says love. But half of marriages fail. So I press deeper.

The one word? Commitment.

Not commitment that denies dysfunction. But commitment that wisely, prayerfully faces the issues. You won’t feel the same way every day or every season. That sense of “I will be there with you through this” is what gets you through.

Teach your kids not to quit.

It’s Harder to Teach Work Than to Do It Yourself

Every mother knows this. It takes time to teach a child to work. Sometimes my fourth graders have never used a sharp knife. Why weren’t they cutting vegetables for soup at home? Sometimes it’s fear.

But if you have kids, something is going to happen. The question is, what?

Pets, Nature, and Camping

Pets have high value: love and work. Feeding and cleaning up is daily responsibility.

Ellen White said nature has a softening, subduing influence. At Village, we built 600–700 bluebird houses. Camping was the only way we could see the world—an old Dodge van with a bad torque converter, a little trailer, tents, bikes. Lake of the Two Rivers in Canada? It rained so much one river flowed through one side of our tent and another river through the other side.

Memorable. Some good, some hard. But it builds resilience. No 7-Eleven. No cell service. We just had to work it out.

Model How to Say You’re Sorry

If you want healthy adults, you have to model acknowledging when you’re wrong. I’ve met people who have never said sorry in their adult life. But acknowledging you’re wrong is key to meaningful relationships.

Love Covers a Multitude

There’s a book called The Five Signs of a Functional Family. It tells the story of a child of an alcoholic who turned out very responsible. The author asked, “What saved you?”

The man said: “Every night, in spite of the trauma, my dad would come by and tuck me into bed, kiss me, and tell me he loved me.”

One ritual. Every night. That spoke strength and hope into his life.

Do you have traditions? Grape juice on Friday night? Special bread? Family dinner around the table? One of our sons dated a girl who thought sitting together as a family was strange—except on holidays. Don’t let that be your kids.

The Preoccupation of the Mind with Good

Education, page 213: “The preoccupation of the mind with good is worth more than unnumbered barriers of law and discipline.”

Protection and authority are part of parenting. But if you want to be on the winning side, get your children engaged in things that naturally draw out the best in them. Don’t squeeze parenting into your leftover moments.

One Last Thing: Rebellion vs. Childhood

When parenting, distinguish between high-handed rebellion and simple childhood proclivities. A child will do foolish things just because they’re a child. That doesn’t always mean outright defiance.

Most of the time, it’s not out-and-out rebellion. It’s just being a kid.

A Prayer for Parents

First Kings 4:29 says God gave Solomon wisdom, exceeding great understanding, and “largeness of heart like the sand on the seashore.”

In Prophets and Kings, the commentary says God will give that not only to Solomon but to us—both what to do and how to do it in a way that pleases our Heavenly Father.

May the Lord help you all.

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What quadrant do you find yourself parenting from most often? Share your thoughts in the comments.