The High Support, High Control Parent

A 5-Day Devotional Guide for Raising Resilient Teens

Based on the sermon by Mrs. Kelly (with Pastor Ron Kelly)

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Introduction: The Four Quadrants of Parenting

Before we begin this 5-day journey, imagine a graph with four quadrants:

The sweet spot: High support + High control = intrinsic self-respect, resilience, and lasting relationship.

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Day 1: The Power of High Support – Love First

Key Scripture: Proverbs 13:24 – "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

Sermon Reflection: Mrs. Kelly opens with a simple but profound practice: every morning, her students stand at the door until she greets them by name and they greet her back. "Good morning, Luke." "Good morning, Mrs. Kelly." That moment of connection—high support—establishes the foundation before any control is exercised. Conservative religions tend to be high control by nature, but without equal or greater support, control becomes frustrating and breeds rebellion.

The speaker emphasizes: "Your kids need to know they are the most important part of your life—aside from Jesus and your spouse. They're the best thing since sliced bread." But here's the critical balance: love without expectation produces entitlement. Support without standards produces flattery, not genuine self-respect.

Today's Focus: Evaluate your "support temperature." Do your children know they are loved unconditionally, or do they feel your love is tied to their performance?

Practical Application:

• Create a daily greeting ritual with your teen (even if they roll their eyes at first).

• This week, say to each child: "I love you. There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. But there are things you could do that would disappoint me, and I will always tell you the truth about that."

• Ask yourself: When was the last time I spent one-on-one time with each child with no agenda other than to enjoy them?

Prayer: Father, You loved me while I was still a sinner. Help me to love my children that same way—not because they earn it, but because they are mine. Give me eyes to see their needs and a heart that overflows with genuine affection. Amen.

Key Quote: "If you don't have an intrinsic self-respect, you can have people praise you all day long, but you need the inner voice of the Holy Spirit to affirm what people have said to you because it's true."

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Day 2: The Necessity of Expectations – Excellence, Not Perfection

Key Scripture: Colossians 3:23 – "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men."

Sermon Reflection: High control without high support yields frustration and rebellion. But high support without high control yields entitled young people who have been told they're A+ winners when they did D+ work. That's not love—that's "phony generational societal flattery." True love expects excellence.

But here's the crucial distinction: excellence means doing your best, not achieving someone else's standard. "If the best your child can do is a C and they did their best, you should really be happy for them." Not every child is bound for college. Not every child will be an academic star. But every child can learn to work hard, take pride in their efforts, and develop intrinsic self-respect.

The speaker warns: "You can ruin your child if somehow they are the measure of your parental success." Your children are not trophies. They are souls in process.

Today's Focus: Separate your child's performance from your identity as a parent.

Practical Application:

• Have a conversation this week: "What is one area where you're doing your best? Let me celebrate that with you."

• Identify one area where you've been pushing for A's when your child is genuinely giving C+ effort. Adjust your expectation.

• Say these words to your child: "I'm proud of you for trying. I don't need you to be perfect. I need you to be honest about your best."

Prayer: Lord, forgive me for the times I've made my child's success about my own ego. Help me to see them as You see them—beloved, gifted in unique ways, and not measured by anyone else's ruler. Amen.

Key Principle: "Half of your kids should never appear in college. They are not bound for college. They're not gifted for it. They're gifted to do something every bit as significant and valuable that's different."

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Day 3: Work, Pets, and the Dignity of Responsibility

Key Scripture: Genesis 2:15 – "Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it."

Sermon Reflection: God placed Adam in a garden to work. Work is not the curse—it's part of our design. The Kellys raised their children to work: detasseling corn at 14, launching Kelly Brothers Lawn Care, pushing mowers as a family on Sundays. "If you're lazy, you cannot respect yourself the same way as if you are a contributor to society."

The speaker shares a powerful insight: "It's harder to teach someone to work than it is to just do the work yourself." Every parent knows this. It takes longer, makes more mess, requires more patience. But the investment produces something priceless: a child who knows they can do hard things.

Pets, camping, canoes in the north woods of Minnesota, a broken-down Dodge van with a torque converter issue—these inconveniences became the forge of character. "Camping is one of the best things for a family because it requires working together. Plus, it's in the outdoors, which has a beautifying effect on people's lives."

Today's Focus: Identify one area where you've been doing work your child could (and should) be doing.

Practical Application:

• This week, assign a new household responsibility to your teen. Teach them how to do it. Then let them own it.

• If you don't have a pet, consider one. The daily responsibility of feeding and cleaning up after an animal builds character.

• Plan a camping trip or outdoor service project within the next month. No phones. No 7-Eleven. Just family and nature.

Prayer: Lord, You worked. You built, you cooked, you served. Help me to see work as dignity, not drudgery. Give me patience to teach my children what they need to know, even when it would be faster to do it myself. Amen.

Key Quote: "Whenever you serve only to get money, it's drudgery. But when you serve to do better than you have to and you care, it's service."

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Day 4: Commitment, Traditions, and Saying You're Sorry

Key Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:12 – "A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Sermon Reflection: What makes a marriage work? Love, yes. But the specific attribute of love that sustains through difficulty is commitment. "It's that actual sense that 'I will be there with you through this' that actually helps you get through it." Teaching children not to quit—whether it's Pathfinders for the season, a difficult job, or a relationship—builds the muscle of faithfulness.

Traditions matter, too. The Kellys sat around the table together every night. One son's girlfriend found this foreign—her family only ate together on holidays. "It was something new that people would sit around a table and eat together." Traditions create security. They become the rituals that speak hope into a child's life—like the alcoholic father who, every night, tucked his son into bed and kissed him goodnight. That one ritual saved that boy from repeating his father's patterns.

And when you mess up? Model repentance. "One of the key things to developing a meaningful relationship is acknowledging that you're wrong." Your children need to see you say, "I was wrong. Please forgive me."

Today's Focus: Strengthen your family traditions and model humble repentance.

Practical Application:

• Establish or re-establish a daily family meal together (at least 4-5 nights a week). No phones at the table.

• Create a simple Sabbath tradition: special bread, grape juice, a song, a story.

• This week, apologize to your child for a specific way you've wronged them. No excuses. Just: "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

Prayer: Lord, You are faithful when I am faithless. Help me to teach my children the beauty of keeping commitments—not because it's easy, but because it's right. Give me the humility to say I'm sorry, and the courage to mean it. Amen.

Key Story: The child of an alcoholic was saved because every night, in spite of the trauma, his dad tucked him in and said, "I love you." One ritual. One strand of hope.

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Day 5: Distinguishing Rebellion from Childhood Foolishness

Key Scripture: 1 Kings 4:29 – "And God gave Solomon wisdom and exceedingly great understanding, and largeness of heart like the sand on the seashore."

Sermon Reflection: This final principle may be the most important. The speaker says: "When you're parenting, you need to be able to distinguish the difference between high-handed rebellion and simple childhood proclivities." A child will do foolish things simply because they are a child. That doesn't mean they are outright defying you—even if they disobeyed.

Not every mistake is rebellion. Not every failure is an attack on your authority. If you treat childish mistakes as high-handed rebellion, you will crush their spirit. If you treat genuine rebellion as childish mistakes, you will lose them.

The speaker references Ellen White's promise that God will give us "largeness of heart"—the ability to know both what to do and how to do it in a way that pleases our heavenly Father. That's the wisdom we need. That's the wisdom we can pray for daily.

Today's Focus: Learn to discern the motive behind your teen's behavior before you react.

Practical Application:

• Before responding to a failure or disobedience, pause and ask: Is this rebellion or immaturity? Is this defiance or distraction?

• Create a "Love and Logic" moment this week: instead of "I'm so mad at you, you're not going to Pathfinders," try "Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't get your homework done. That's disappointing. I guess we won't be able to go to the park tonight." Same boundary, different spirit.

• Pray specifically for "largeness of heart"—wisdom to discern, patience to wait, and love to guide.

Prayer: God, You gave Solomon wisdom and a large heart. I need the same. Give me discernment to know when my teen is rebelling and when they're just being a teen. Give me patience to respond with grace. And give me courage to hold the line when it matters most. Amen.

Final Promise: "He will not only give it to Solomon as He did, but to us—so that we will know both things: what to do and how to do it in a way that will please our heavenly Father."

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Summary: The High Support, High Control Parent

The Bottom Line: "Protection and authority are all part of parenting. But if you'd like to be on the winning side, get your children engaged in things that will naturally keep drawing out the best in them. And you're not going to do that by squeezing your parenting into your leftover moments."

Closing Prayer for Parents:

Heavenly Father, parenting is the hardest, holiest work You've given us. Some days we feel like we're getting it all wrong. Some days we are. But You are the perfect parent—patient, wise, full of both truth and grace. Help us to parent the way You parent us: with high support that never quits and high expectations that never lower. Give us largeness of heart. And when we fail, give us the humility to say we're sorry and the courage to try again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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Discussion Questions for Family or Small Group

1. Which quadrant do you think your family lives in most of the time? Why?

2. What's one tradition from your childhood that you want to pass on?

3. When was a time your parents said "I'm sorry" to you? How did that affect you?

4. What's the hardest work you've ever done? What did it teach you?

5. How can you tell the difference between rebellion and childishness in your own kids?