Sermon Study Guide: The High Support, High Control Home

Theme: Parenting, Work Ethic, Resilience, and Building Self-Respect in Children Speakers: Pastor Ron & Colleen Kelly (as transcribed) Key Texts: Proverbs 13:20, 1 Kings 4:29, Education p. 213 (Ellen White), Psalm 127

Opening Icebreaker (5-10 minutes)

Share a story: The Kellys shared about their son Nathan's first job detasseling corn at age 14 and the awkward moment he didn't want to go into the nursing home to apply for a CNA position.

• Question: What was your first real job (not chores at home)? What did that experience teach you about work, money, or dealing with people?

Key Scriptures & References Referenced

• Proverbs 13:20 – "He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed."

• 1 Kings 4:29 – God gave Solomon wisdom, understanding, and "largeness of heart"

• Education, p. 213 (Ellen White) – "The preoccupation of the mind with good is worth more than unnumbered barriers of law and discipline."

• Proverbs 22:6 – "Train up a child in the way he should go..."

• Psalm 127:3-5 – Children as a heritage and arrows

Main Points from the Sermon

1. The Four Quadrants of Parenting (High/Low Support vs. High/Low Control)

Mrs. Kelly introduced a powerful framework using a plus-sign grid:

• The Key: "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches." Children should know, "You're a Kelly, and we don't behave like that."

• Discussion: Which quadrant describes your home growing up? Which quadrant describes your home now?

2. Children Are Not the Measure of Parental Success

The pastor quoted James Dobson's father: "Don't take all the credit if they turn out good. Don't take all the blame if they turn out bad."

• The Trap: Using your child's performance (grades, behavior, career) as the measuring stick for your worth as a parent.

• The Reality: If you wear your child's decisions as a constant measuring device because you're an insecure parent, you will mess them up.

• The Antidote: Do the best you can. Love them the best you can. Then trust God.

• Discussion: How can a parent care deeply about their child's choices without making those choices about their own ego?

3. The Value of Work & Real Responsibility

The Kellys emphasized teaching work as a family value, not just a chore.

• First Jobs: Detasseling corn (age 14). Kelly Brothers Lawn Care (family business). CNA at nursing home (overcoming awkwardness).

• The Motto: "Treat them better than they deserve and give them more than they paid for." (A wood flooring installer's Christian motto).

• The Principle: When you serve only for money, it's drudgery. When you serve to do better than you have to, it's service.

• The Hard Truth: "It's harder to teach someone to work than it is to just do the work yourself." But you must invest the time.

• The Warning: Don't limit your children's opportunities out of fear. "If you haven't discovered already, if you have kids, something is going to happen."

• Discussion: What is one skill or work ethic you are teaching your children that requires more effort from you than just doing it yourself?

4. Sticking With Things: The Discipline of Commitment

The Kellys had a rule: if you start something (Pathfinders, a sport, a job), you finish it for that season. You don't have to sign up again next year, but you don't quit mid-stream.

• The Marriage Application: The one word that makes marriage work is commitment—not commitment that denies dysfunction, but commitment that wisely, prayerfully faces issues.

• The Parenting Lesson: Teaching people not to quit is essential for adulthood.

• Discussion: How do you distinguish between "quitting" (lack of commitment) and "wisely adjusting course"? When is it okay to stop something?

5. The Power of Nature, Camping, and Pets

The Kellys strongly advocated for nature as a parenting tool.

• Ellen White Quote: Nature has a "softening and subduing" effect on people.

• Camping: Requires working together, builds resilience. "There's no 7-Eleven and your cell phone doesn't work."

• Pets: Teach love AND work (feeding, cleaning up). Daily responsibility.

• The Warning: "Woe unto you when you build house upon house" (living disconnected from nature and real work).

• The Memory: Lake of the Two Rivers (Canada) where rain flooded their tent. Miserable then. Memorable forever.

• Discussion: What is your family's best (or worst) camping/nature memory? What did your kids learn from it?

6. Modeling Repentance & Saying "I'm Sorry"

"If you want to build healthy adults for the future, you have to model to them how to say you're sorry."

• The pastor noted he has met people who have almost never said "I'm sorry" in their adult life.

• Acknowledging you are wrong is a key to meaningful relationships.

• Discussion: When was the last time you apologized to your child? What message does that send to them?

7. The Power of One Ritual (Resilience)

The pastor referenced The Five Signs of a Functional Family (Chapman) and the story of an alcoholic's son.

• The Story: Despite nightly trauma, the father came every night to tuck his son in, kiss him, and say "I love you."

• The Lesson: That one ritual spoke strength and hope into that child's life. He did not repeat his father's addiction.

• The Application: You don't have to be a perfect parent. But consistent love, even in imperfection, is powerful.

• Family Traditions: Do you have grape juice on Friday night? Special bread? Sitting around the table for meals? These create security.

• Discussion: What is one simple ritual or tradition in your home that your children will remember 30 years from now?

8. Birth Order & Sibling Responsibility

The Kellys highlighted how older children (especially firstborns) learn responsibility by caring for younger siblings.

• Story 1: Nathan smelled a melting blanket that was about to catch fire and saved his younger brother Davey.

• Story 2: Nathan pulled little Davey out of a lake when he was turning over in a life jacket.

• The Principle: Every part of the family needs to feel important—whether you're the pinky finger or the fingernail on the pinky.

• Discussion: If you are a firstborn, what responsibilities did you have for younger siblings? If you are a younger sibling, what did you learn from watching your older sibling?

9. Distinguishing Rebellion from Childhood Foolishness

The pastor ended with a crucial distinction: "You need to be able to distinguish the difference between high-handed rebellion and simple childhood proclivities."

• A child will do foolish things simply because they are a child.

• Even if they disobey, it may not be outright defiance.

• Most of the time, it's not out-and-out rebellion.

• Discussion: How do you tell the difference? What is your "test" for whether a behavior is rebellion or immaturity?

10. The Love & Logic Approach (Empathetic Consequences)

Mrs. Kelly contrasted two parenting responses:

• The Principle: Natural, empathetic consequences teach responsibility without destroying relationship.

• The Confession: Mrs. Kelly was better at this than Pastor Ron. They are complementary—there's room for both parenting styles.

• Discussion: Which style comes more naturally to you? How can you move toward the empathetic "I'm sorry" approach?

Practical Application Questions

For Parents of Children of Any Age:

1. The Quadrant Self-Audit: Draw the four quadrants (High/Low Support vs. High/Low Control). Where does your home land right now? What is one change you can make this week to move toward High Support + High Control?

2. The Fear Audit: Are you limiting your child's opportunities (sharp knives, tools, working outside, camping) because of fear? What is a reasonable risk you can let them take this month?

3. The Work Audit: What is one job or responsibility your child could take on that would teach them real work (not just token chores)? (e.g., cooking a full meal, mowing the lawn, a small business)

For Parents of Teens:

1. The "Stick With It" Rule: Is there an activity your teen wants to quit mid-season? What would it look like to hold them to finishing while still showing empathy?

2. The CNA Moment: Is there a "go into the nursing home and ask for a job" moment coming for your teen? An awkward, character-building conversation they need to have? Are you pushing them to do it or rescuing them?

For All Adults (as role models):

1. The Apology Test: When was the last time you said "I'm sorry" to a younger person? What would it cost you to do it this week?

2. The Intergenerational Network: Proverbs 13:20 says walking with wise men makes you wise. Are the young people in your life connected to wise, older adults at church? Are you being that wise person for someone else's child?

This Week's Challenge

The "High Support + High Control" Challenge:

1. Pick one quadrant adjustment. If you are high-control/low-support, add two specific words of affirmation this week for every one correction.

2. If you are high-support/low-control, set one clear boundary this week and hold it with love (not anger). Use the "Oh, I'm so sorry" empathetic consequence method.

3. Do one "resilience-building" activity as a family this week: go for a walk in the woods, cook a meal from scratch together, or have a family work bee. No phones allowed.

Closing Prayer Thought

Father, we confess that we often drift to the wrong quadrant—either too harsh without love or too soft without boundaries. Give us the "largeness of heart" You gave Solomon—wisdom to know the difference between rebellion and childishness, courage to let our children struggle, and compassion to say "I'm sorry" when we fail. Help us to build homes that are high in support AND high in expectations, where our children know they are loved and know they are capable. Protect us from the fear that limits our children and from the laziness that fails to teach them. We trust our arrows to You, the Divine Archer. Amen.